How to Support Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can be challenging but incredibly meaningful. With the right approach, you can make a significant positive impact while maintaining your own well-being.

Understanding the BPD Experience

Before learning specific support strategies, it's helpful to understand what your loved one with BPD might be experiencing:

  • Intense emotional pain: Emotions can feel overwhelming and all-consuming
  • Fear of abandonment: Even minor separations can trigger intense anxiety
  • Identity confusion: Difficulty maintaining a stable sense of self
  • Interpersonal sensitivity: Heightened awareness to perceived rejection or criticism
  • Impulse control challenges: Difficulty resisting urges to self-soothe through harmful behaviors

Effective Communication Strategies

How you communicate can significantly impact your relationship with someone who has BPD:

Validate Their Feelings

Validation doesn't mean agreeing with everything they say, but acknowledging their emotional experience:

  • "I can see why you'd feel that way given what happened"
  • "That sounds really difficult/painful/frustrating"
  • "I understand you're feeling [emotion] right now"

Use "I" Statements

Express your own feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing:

  • Instead of: "You're being unreasonable"
  • Try: "I'm having trouble understanding this situation"
  • Instead of: "You always overreact"
  • Try: "I feel overwhelmed when conversations escalate quickly"

Stay Calm During Emotional Storms

When emotions are high, your calm presence can be grounding:

  • Speak in a gentle, even tone
  • Take breaks if you feel yourself becoming reactive
  • Avoid trying to "fix" the problem immediately - sometimes listening is enough

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for both your well-being and the health of the relationship:

Why Boundaries Matter

  • Prevent caregiver burnout and resentment
  • Create predictability and safety in the relationship
  • Model healthy relationship patterns
  • Support the person's growth and independence

Examples of Helpful Boundaries

Boundary Type Example How to Communicate It
Time Boundaries Not available for late-night crisis calls "I care about you and want to be supportive, but I need to sleep to function well. Let's talk in the morning."
Emotional Boundaries Not tolerating verbal abuse "I understand you're upset, but I can't continue this conversation if you're calling me names. Let's take a break and talk when we're both calmer."
Responsibility Boundaries Not solving their problems for them "I believe in your ability to handle this. I'm here to support you, but this is your decision to make."

Crisis Management

Knowing how to respond during emotional crises can be lifesaving:

Recognizing Crisis Signs

  • Increased talk of hopelessness or suicide
  • Self-harm behaviors or threats
  • Extreme agitation or panic
  • Psychotic symptoms (paranoia, dissociation)
  • Reckless, impulsive behavior

What to Do During a Crisis

  • Stay calm: Your calm presence can help de-escalate the situation
  • Ensure safety: Remove means of self-harm if possible
  • Listen without judgment: Validate their pain without agreeing with harmful solutions
  • Use crisis resources: Have suicide prevention hotlines and emergency contacts readily available
  • Know when to seek professional help: Don't hesitate to call emergency services if there's immediate danger

Supporting Treatment and Recovery

Your role in supporting treatment can make a significant difference:

Encouraging Professional Help

  • Learn about evidence-based treatments like DBT
  • Offer practical support (transportation, appointment reminders)
  • Normalize therapy as a strength, not a weakness
  • Celebrate small steps and progress

Learning About BPD Together

  • Read books or attend workshops about BPD
  • Ask about their therapy goals and how you can support them
  • Learn the skills they're working on in therapy

Self-Care for Supporters

Caring for someone with BPD can be emotionally demanding. Your well-being matters too:

Recognize Your Limits

  • You can't "fix" someone else's mental health
  • Your primary role is support, not therapy
  • It's okay to have your own needs and boundaries

Build Your Support System

  • Connect with other supporters (friends, family, support groups)
  • Consider your own therapy or counseling
  • Maintain relationships and activities outside of your caregiving role

Practice Regular Self-Care

  • Maintain your physical health (sleep, exercise, nutrition)
  • Engage in activities that recharge you
  • Set aside time for your own interests and relationships
  • Recognize signs of burnout and take action

Common Challenges and Solutions

What if they refuse to get help?

You can't force someone into treatment, but you can express concern, provide information, and set boundaries about what behaviors you will and won't accept. Sometimes, attending family therapy yourself can create positive change.

How do I handle the idealization-devaluation cycle?

Try not to take these shifts personally. Maintain consistent boundaries and behavior regardless of whether you're being idealized or devalued. Remember it's the disorder, not you.

What if I make mistakes?

Everyone makes mistakes in difficult relationships. Apologize when appropriate, learn from the experience, and move forward. Perfection isn't required - consistency and genuine care matter more.

When to Seek Additional Support

Consider reaching out for additional help when:

  • You feel consistently overwhelmed or burned out
  • The relationship is causing significant distress in your life
  • You're concerned about safety (theirs or yours)
  • You need guidance on specific situations

Support Resources

  • National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Family support groups and education
  • DBT Family Skills Training: Programs for family members of people with BPD
  • Local mental health centers: Often offer family education programs
  • Therapist directories: Look for providers experienced with BPD and family dynamics

Remember: Support Matters

Your supportive presence can make a tremendous difference in someone's recovery journey with BPD. By combining compassion with healthy boundaries, you can create a relationship that supports both of your well-being.

If you're concerned someone you care about might have BPD, encourage them to take our free BPD test as a first step toward understanding and treatment.